The Silent Symptoms of Trauma

My body has been through so much. Not just mentally, but physically, too. Living a life where I was constantly in survival mode has taken a silent toll on me. Every day, I push through as if everything is fine, but as I get older, I’m starting to realize just how bad it really is.

My Reality

I go to the doctor, and the test results aren’t so normal anymore. The fact that I’ve managed to live without medication for so long is changing. Recently, I was put on high cholesterol medication. I couldn’t figure out why at first, but it’s because of trauma — the years of stress and survival have worn down my body. I’m on Zoloft for anxiety, statins for high cholesterol, and medication for acid reflux. My stomach is messed up. I’m struggling to lose weight. I get migraines and optical migraines. People say to eat healthy and work out, but when you do that consistently and see no changes, it’s beyond frustrating.

I’ve started to conduct research, and I’m realizing that my body has suffered from all those beatings — those degrading moments when I was told I was nothing, and I internalized it so deeply that it became part of me. Day after day, I lived in survival mode, wondering how I would get through another one — not knowing when I would eat, when my kids would eat, or if the roof over our heads would be taken away.

I put myself through more hurt, bouncing from one man to the next, blaming my parents for my failures, and their addiction for my shortcomings. I prayed and wished for support and love from them. All of that has silently torn my body and heart apart, but I still walk around every day with a smile. Inside, I have heart palpitations and stomach pain, and I worry that as I get older, it’s only going to get worse.

So, I am urging you today — please take care of yourself, even if you’re living in survival mode right now. Find a way to care for your body and mind, even if it’s just a small act. Because pushing through without addressing the damage catches up, and you deserve better. You deserve to thrive, not just survive.